Post Thanksgiving

I have some pictures to post that I took off of Tyson's phone, but this will just be a journal entry . . .(to remember).



Where to start, where to start. Let me try to start with being honest with myself instead of trying to hide. Sometimes I am shocked at how deeply I feel things. One moment I am in love with life and the next I wish I could go into non-extistant mode. I feel scared sometimes at how angry or upset I really am. I can honestly say I have never felt anger until now. I have never been so disappointed or lonely (and I have had plenty of times that have felt very lonely, but this is different. This is a feeling that if I don't do it, no one will. And it is mostly a blatent truth. So to all you mothers out there that have been 'doing it'. . . well you are very strong. because I seem to be crushed under the all alone to sink or swim. No one with a life perserver standing by for me or a raft to give me an occasional break. I have been tearing myself apart with want of such support. When will I just give in to swimming? Maybe it is because I have watched too many movies with fairy tale endings or people who say and do the right things to make things all right. I used to be a strong person, at least I think so. There is another thing. My memory is going. I know, I know . . . that sounds old, but it is the truth. My short term memory is getting worse. It takes looking at a phone number at least three times to be able to type it in. I cannot keep present new facts. Unless written and reviewed several times (like 7) I cannot seem to recall things. This has made working a little different and more difficult. I haven't beat myself up about it, it just scares me a little that I might not remember an important detail. I have even considered going to a doctor to check it out, but think Naa, I am overreacting. Still, I have had several headaches lately (a very unusual thing for me) and gotten dizzy at work on several occasions. I think not being able to remember has compounded having intense feelings. I can hardly remember moment to moment, day to day, and worse even week to week. Every day it seems like that moment is the only moment that exists. It is hard to remember any moment ever came before this one and harder still to see past the moment into a future. And for me this is bad!!! One of my biggest coping mechanisms in my pre-married life was to live in the future or look forward to the future. To realize this moment was just a step to where I wanted to be in life (and beyond), or a means to an end. Now, I feel like every moment is the 'end'. I am in a lull or eddy. Many times my mind feels foggy. In general I try to be kind and loving, helpful and giving. But it seems as if life and family are asking more of me than I can give.



Rachel is ever learning. She is sweet and cute. She has been talking of her birthday (something that she brought up, how she knows I don't know) and remembering more and more things. I see her mothering anything and everything lately and smile to myself knowing I probably did the same thing. She also mirrors me a lot and reminds me I need to be softer and sweeter with her. She tries to discipline Caleb (poor guy) and is quite well like we have been to her in her worst moments. Needless to say it isn't sweetness. But when she is sweet. . . she is ever sweet.



Caleb is crawling and going though stages soo fast. He is ever surprising me at how apt he is. I didn't think he would be ok with eating cheerios or anything not pureed until tonight. He very much enjoyed eating Rachels cheerios! He was my hoover tonight, crawling around picking up all the spilled cheerios for me.



Where is life going? What joys does it have? Why does the work seem endless? Why is the exhaution ever present? Where are the soft sweet moments? Why do I get so frusterated? How do I overcome the powerlessness? How did I become so weak? And better yet how do I become strong?



We celebrated Thanksgiving with some friends. Yet it lacked the feeling of being home. The food was great. It was a relaxed atmosphere and the time slipped away much quicker than we realized. Tonight I think we both are left with a little homesickness. Still, we did new things as a family that we have never done before. Tyson took us and got us a real Christmas tree. We set it up and it is beautiful! We had a good shopping trip together. It helped me feel like we might become a real family, with our own traditions, being able to do things for ourselves.



This holiday went by much too quickly. I am glad to have only 2 more weeks of shifts and then to be off for a while.

I am more tired than I want to admit. I get most things done anyway and just get gassed by the end of the day or afternoon or sometimes end of the morning if I have done a 4-5 loads of laundry, 2-3 days of dishes, vacuum, clean up all (and I mean ALL) the toys, straighten up every room in the house, and pay the bills. Poor Rachel does not get to go outside near as much as she needs to. I feel like we wouldn't have near as many messes or meltdowns if she didn't get so bored being indoors all the time.